Hello!
I'm Adam Buxton.
Welcome to this dramatized look back over my past week.
What have I been up to?
What's caught my eye?
What's caught my ear?
Who cares?
Well, over the next half hour, I hope you'll find out.
And helping to provide some perspective on my week with words of wisdom accumulated over the course of his hundred years here on the planet Earth,
That is my dad, Nigel Buxton, aka Bad Dad.
Hello, Bad Dad.
Hello.
He is my real dad.
A lot of people are confused by that fact, but you are my actual real dad, are you not?
That was the general conclusion your mother and I came to.
That's as good as I can hope for, I think.
And for a long time, you've collected words of wisdom or aphorisms the way that
Most children today kind of collect guns and drugs.
Is that right?
Yes.
Whenever I come across something that seems to me particularly well put or particularly percipient, I like to write it down in case it comes in useful later on.
Could you give us a quick wisdom nugget to get us going this evening?
Yes.
To move a mountain, take away a small stone.
Why?
You're not moving anything.
You're just removing part of the mountain, which is illegal.
It's very difficult.
It's very difficult, especially as any writer here will know, to begin something.
So what those words of wisdom mean is start somewhere.
It doesn't matter where you start, but just begin and the rest will come.
Right, right, right.
I think Davina McCall said that originally.
Didn't she?
No, I think for her it was, don't worry if you shouldn't start something, just start it anyway.
and then carry on for years and years.
It's also my maxim.
Anyway, we'll be getting some more words of wisdom from my dad later on in the show.
Now, if you've ever seen a show like Curb Your Enthusiasm or Lead Balloon, you'll know that for a comedian,
No week is complete unless you've had some kind of altercation, you know, with a shop assistant or a community police officer, or, as was the case this week, a traffic warden.
Usually I come away from my traffic warden contratemps feeling very impotent.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, you just feel enraged and you haven't been able to say exactly what was on your mind, but this time it was a little bit different.
Hey!
What are you doing?
I've got a residence permit for this car.
Where is the permit?
It's there.
Look, the permit's right there on the dashboard.
Look!
It's lying face down?
How am I supposed to know if it's valid?
It is valid.
Look!
See?
Valid!
Now stop that ticket!
Sorry, too late.
It's in the system.
My car's parked in a quiet, half-empty residential street with a valid parking permit, and you're gonna give me a ticket?
How does that work?
When I issued the ticket, there was no valid permit on display.
I'm just doing my job.
For goodness sake, I'm pretty sure that's what the guys in the SS used to say when people asked them what they were up to.
That comment is inappropriate and a violation of my right to work without fear of harassment or intimidation and I'm gonna log a formal complaint about your behavior.
I should be complaining about you, you ridiculous Nazi woman.
Right, right.
I'm gonna call the police now, sir.
No, all right, just calm down.
Wait, look, look, I'm sorry.
Just hear me out.
You and I, we're just people.
Standing on the same rock Underneath the same sky We've made these rules and regulations To keep the wheels turning But sometimes I wonder why We're so quick to hide behind our precious rules We're just doing what we're told And we're turning into fools
When I say we, I'm actually mainly talking about you.
This ridiculous ticket you've issued because you say my permit wasn't in view.
You stupid Nazi woman!
Now you can call the cops.
Thank you.
So, uh, how do you think I handled the situation with the traffic warden there, Bad Dad?
I think you'd go further in life if you tried to treat people as if they were what they should be.
And you helped them in that way become what they're capable of becoming.
Or, one of my favourite maxims, which is credited to Sir James Barry, always be a little kinder than necessary.
Well, I was kind to the traffic warden.
I sang her a song.
I didn't notice any call for an encore.
Now, I've been feeling a little sub-par recently, so this week I went to visit my doctricianist, Dr. Person, to see if he could find out what might be the problem.
Hello there.
It's probably stress.
Do come in.
Take a seat, please.
How are you today?
Yeah, not that great.
Not that great, really.
Just, you know, feeling a bit washed out and tired and...
I've had this cold for weeks and I just can't seem to shake it.
Okay, then you probably shouldn't smoke.
Are you under a lot of stress at the moment?
Not really.
I mean, you know, nothing more than usual.
And do you smoke?
You really shouldn't smoke.
Well, I have one or two with a drink sometimes, but very seldom.
Yes, you really shouldn't smoke.
Do you know that?
Yeah, I did know that.
What's your diet like?
It's probably stress.
Well, I've been trying to stick to the organic superfoods like you told me, but I just got a bit confused recently because they keep changing.
So I was wondering if you could remind me what they are.
Yes, of course.
Okay, let's have a look.
This is what the superfood top 10 list looks like this week.
Dropping 5 places to number 10 this week is the former number 1, Artichokes.
No change at number 9 for Pomegranate, and at number 8 it's up 3 places for Ginger Root.
Walnuts and Spinach are at number 7 and 6 respectively.
And at number 5 it's the first of our surprise, new entries this week for Jelly.
Hot Dogs with Honey are at number 4, and at number 3 it's Jammy Dodgers.
No change at number 2 for Grass, but for the third week running, the number 1 superfood is Organic Schadenfreude.
Schadenfreude, that's taking pleasure in other people's misfortune, right?
That's right, yeah, but it's the organic version.
Okay, it's very, very good for losing weight, which is important in your line of work.
I'm also going to put you on a course of by Hoxton, Jesse Toffee Phil.
Which is designed to combat stress.
Although, unfortunately, one of the major side effects is extreme anxiety.
So, do look out for that.
Great.
Now, thanks, Dr. Person.
That's really made me feel a lot better.
Not physically, of course, or in any other way, but, well, there's no sense in both of us feeling bad, is there?
No.
Jolly good.
You really shouldn't smoke.
One of my favourite radio programs is My Life in Tune, where people of note play some of their favourite music and talk about their lives to journalist Manthea Shringleton.
This week they had the Hollywood star famous guy on the show.
Now he's starred in blockbusters like The Mysterious Thrill Plot, The Deafening Robots, and the more serious award-winning Very Bad War.
And of course he was the voice of King X-Factor in the animated fairy tale spoof, Forever and Ever, Whatever.
But I was fascinated to discover that music is such an important part of Guy's life.
That was Rocking Rolling Man by Gary Brint as chosen by my guest this week, the film star famous guy.
Am I right in thinking that music is a very important part of your life?
Oh, that's right in thinking, Manthea, yes.
I've always extremely liked music.
My favorite kind of music is great music.
But I also enjoy wonderful music, good music, and sometimes if I'm with a nude woman, I'll listen to some lovely music.
It really depends on what kind of mood I'm in.
Do you understand me about it now?
But you play too, is that right?
Oh yeah, sure.
I realized very young that I had a real gift token for music.
And I used it to buy my first guitar.
You got me?
And ever since then, you know, I haven't played it.
But a friend recently gave me a really nice record deal.
So now I have a band.
And are the other members of the group not worried that your fame might overshadow the music and people might just see the whole band as something of a gimmick?
Well, Mathia, no.
They are certainly not worried about that.
And you're lucky you have a lady face there, otherwise I would have punched you right in the jacket.
For even asking that question, I'll tell you, the band is a democratsy, okay?
Do you know what that means?
That means that just because I was in exciting films like Horse Chase and The Exploding Car, and also thoughtful moving films like Very Bad War and Family Man with Cancer, for which I won a prize,
That does not mean to say that I always stand in the front of the photographs, okay?
Sometimes Jake, the guitar guy, stands in the front, and sometimes Peg Leg will stand in the front, even though I think he's just the drummer.
It's not important where I stand in the photographs, as long as I'm the most in focus.
What is important is the music.
Do you understand me now, I'm attractive?
And what kind of music does the band play?
So far, nothing.
But we've agreed that we're going to focus mainly on great music.
Although Peg Leg is a big fan of lovely music, too.
Let's move on to your next musical choice.
This is Eggs on Bread by Dirty Perkins.
Can you tell us what this song means to you?
Well, my dad was a big fan of these guys when we were growing up back in Canada.
Uh, at the time there was a lot of music around that was, uh, very politicalized.
Uh, you know, but like most young men, I was mainly interested in bread and eggs, so... When Dirty Perkins came out with this song, it spoke to me in a way that no music really had up until that point.
Except for maybe some of the early singles by The Scrambles and, um, The Toasty Men, The Doughballs.
Well, let's have a listen to Eggs on Bread by Dirty Perkins.
I got a nice surprise this morning when you brought me eggs on bread.
You know I love both eggs and bread, and the combination rocks me dead.
The only thing I thought you could have done to make it better would have been to get out of my house, you stupid cow.
Eggs on bread, eggs on bread.
One of the highlights of Radio 4's schedule this week was its new romantic drama, Filthy Minutes.
Adapted by Alison Twees from the best-selling Greeting Cards, it tells the story of Jenny, a successful career mother-woman whose life is thrown into a vat of turmoil when she becomes emotionally entangled with a charming former business associate, Lench Pufar.
Hello, Lynch.
Jenny, I didn't think you were coming.
I didn't know if I should.
I told Michael I was going to buy croissant.
Ha ha, les croissants.
Yes, that would have fooled him.
Here, sit next to me on this bench in this park where we are.
I thought... I thought maybe at the restaurant last week.
I don't know.
Perhaps I went a little too far.
You know... It already seems so complicated.
Secret meetings.
Lying to Michael.
Lying to myself.
But Jenny, you said yourself, we're just friends.
You're Jenny, and I'm your friend Lynch.
Jenny and Lynch.
Sitting on a bench.
That's right!
Jenny and Lynch, sitting on a bench.
Jenny let one go, blimey what a stench.
I know.
I know.
I know we're friends.
I didn't mean... I know what you meant.
I'm a friend, but I'm a sexy friend.
And that frightens you.
Perhaps.
Perhaps I am frightened of what I'm becoming.
Ah, yes.
The boring businesswoman.
The frustrated wife and mother.
The woman who thought there'd be more to life than sex once a fortnight and sandwiches for your son Sancho.
You mean Harry?
Harry, yes, yes.
Sensual.
You've become the... You've become the cliché, Jenny.
And now, to put the piffle on it, you've fallen for your sexy friend.
Well... Well, I suppose... I suppose I have... Hey, listen, Jenny.
I don't want to make you unhappy or confused.
I want to bring light into your world, not a tsunami of crapola.
So let's just talk.
You know, like friends talk.
Yes, okay.
Very well.
We were speaking of friends.
So tell me, Jenny, do you like Friends, the American television program?
I used to quite like it.
I'm not mad keen like some of the girls at work.
They had a big party when the whole thing finished a few years ago.
Ah, a party, yes.
Fun.
But you like Friends?
It tickles you.
Phoebe, she's so very ditzy.
Chandler, he makes you chuckle.
You sound like quite a fan.
Oh, I've seen the repeats on T4.
But I admire the program, Jenny, yes.
I think it's wonderfully well constructed.
And for a situation comedy that ran for so many years, remarkably consistent.
But Friends makes me terribly sad too, Jenny.
Do you know why?
Because of Ross and Rachel?
Those two prats!
You're having a bubble, aren't you?
No, it makes me sad that we in this country could never produce a long-running situation comedy of the same calibre as Friends.
Oh, I don't know.
I think there are some great British sitcoms.
I mean, look at Fawlty Towers or The Office.
Bimf.
Only two series apiece, Jenny.
236 episodes of Friends were produced over a ten-season run.
I'd like to see John Cleese or Ricky Gervais doing that, even with the help of Connie Booth or Mackenzie Crook.
I suppose that's true.
A lot of those American shows are very blind, though, aren't they?
I was merely voicing a concern, Jenny.
I don't care to be insulted here on this bench in this park where we are.
I wasn't insulting you, just saying, you know, things like friends and sex in the city are great, but they produce an awful lot of dross too.
Right.
Perhaps I should leave.
You're obviously angry with me, though I can't think why.
No, I'm not angry at all.
We were just talking.
Really?
Is that all we were doing?
Talking?
Well, perhaps you can riddle me this, Jenny.
When's the talking gonna stop and the rofty gonna start?
Lent, I told you.
It's complicated.
Well, I think it's time to uncomplicate things with my uncomplicated wanger.
I'd better get back.
I'm sorry, Jenny.
I'm sorry I went too far again, didn't I, Jenny, talking about my uncomplicated wanger?
I'm a silly sexy man.
Listen, to make amends, I want to take you and Michael and Holly and Sancho out for a treat.
A special treat.
This Saturday night.
I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Lynch.
No, it's too late.
It's all been arranged.
Michael knows all about it.
Bye!
What?
Wait!
Lynch!
Lynch!
Extramarital intrigue there, and Radio 4's afternoon play Filthy Minutes.
Bad Dad, have you got any wisdom nuggets for someone whose marriage is in trouble?
Yes, when you feel out of sorts with somebody else, it's worth remembering that we are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves.
And if that wasn't enough, remember, a soft answer turneth away wrath.
Ah, now that is wise.
A soft answer turneth away wrath.
But what if wrath finds soft answers very infuriating and just refuses to be turneth away?
I suppose then you resort to sarcasm.
Now, because I've been on TV shows like 100 Scariest Moments and It's Only TV But I Like It with Jonathan Ross, I'm now friends with an amazing group of famous and powerful people.
For example, on Tuesday, I went to the pub with a friend and Bono came along.
Hey, Alison, tell Bono about when we flew to Miami.
Do you remember?
And I tried to use the toilet in first class, but the stewardess wouldn't let me.
Oh, it was so pathetic.
All the toilets were full, and there was hardly anyone in first class.
Yeah, so I just waited until she was serving lunch and then I got in there.
That's an incredible story, Adam.
You know, that's the central talent of Christianity, that everybody is equal in God's eyes.
That's why you cannot, as a Christian, walk away from Africa.
America will be judged by God if it crosses the road from 23 million people suffering from HIV.
The leprosy of modern times.
Yeah.
I know.
It's bad, isn't it?
Has anyone seen that film Cloverfield?
Oh, is that the one that's like you've been framed with monsters and not as entertaining?
What's on trial here is Christianity itself.
You cannot walk away from this and call yourself a Christian and sit on your throne in power.
You know, every time I do this, a young child dies of AIDS.
Anyone for another pint?
And another one.
I'm fine actually.
And another one.
And a bus driver.
Bono, another pint?
No!
Guinness!
Guinness and champagne!
I want to buy everybody Guinness and champagne.
I'm buying the whole pub Guinness and champagne for everyone.
And everyone outside the pub too.
Alison, go outside and ask who wants Guinness and champagne.
And take my wallet, I'm gonna call the poll.
He's great, though, Bono.
He's intense, but fun.
He's... He's fun-tense.
Are you a fan of U2, Bad Dad?
They are ghastly.
What sort of music do you like, then?
Not much, really.
Ever since Blazing Squads split up.
It's all been pretty rubbishy, as far as I'm concerned.
I don't know, perhaps you're just not listening to the right radio station.
What's up?
I'm Jazz Level.
You're listening to Music Lump.
Opening up your head and whizzing your mind around as if we were making some kind of musical cake and your mind was the I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter.
Winfarm.
News Zone.
Big news is that the Rumpels are going head-to-head with the Ted Belch 5000 at the Nutbucket next Tuesday.
Should be an extraordinary gig at a venue that is literally a giant bucket filled with various kinds of nuts.
So if you like nuts and great music, you're in for a night.
Topic.
The Text Zone.
Don't forget if you're going to a gig tonight, we want to know all about it.
Get out your mobile and text us now if you're in the queue for a gig.
Whereabouts are you in the queue?
If you're inside, how full is it?
What's the lighting like?
Exactly what kind of bulbs are they using?
If you're at home, why are you at home?
Are you ill?
How long have you been ill?
Is it serious?
How are your stools?
Text us the prognosis now.
Possession Zone.
My guest tonight on Music Lump is the latest signing for the ultra-hot indie label Piddle Records.
They're on a roll after signing Nods Pockets, Vinegar Strokes and Boring Jesus earlier this year.
But will the latest addition to their roster prove us equally as successful?
Here to give us a hint is the man that all the fuss is about, Kenneth Rector.
Kenneth, pleasure to have you on the show, love all over your face.
It's exciting to be here.
So, Ken, drop us a clue bag on how the whole SodaStream started fizzing for you.
I didn't understand a word of that.
How did you get signed, mate?
Oh, I see.
I was at work at the RCJ.
The RCJ, is that like an exciting new venue?
No, no, it's the Royal Courts of Justice.
I was a barrister, and one day a female client of mine, who ran this record label, convinced me that I would be perfect for them.
Ah, yeah.
And how did that come about?
Well, you see, music wasn't something I'd thought about at all since leaving the Air Force.
But she kindly gave me a guitar and some basic recording equipment, and thought it might be a good idea for me to cut an album.
I didn't think for one minute, you know, that it'd be taken seriously, as I hadn't written any music up to that point.
Spatchcock!
So... So you packed in the law gig and signed a piddle.
How's the songwriting coming on?
I've written twelve songs.
I say twelve, it's really more like one.
And you're gonna play that one for us tonight?
I'd like to, yes.
Tent pegs.
Playing live for Music Lump tonight, it's the K-Bot KR, the Ken man himself, Kenneth Richter!
Thank you very much indeed.
Wide lightning, she took off her clothes Wide lightning, she's touching her toes Wide lightning, there's wood in my spoon Wide lightning, I'm over the moon Get in, please
That's the sound of Kenneth Richter here on Music Lump.
Quite a strange direction for Piddle Records there, I would think.
Are you nervous about the kind of reaction you're going to get from fans?
I'm very nervous indeed, yes.
Good.
Next week on Music Lump, exclusive tracks from Bionic Mantlepiece, Hate Basement, I Love You But I've Chosen More Teasers, and another live session... another live session from Brenda Blethen.
Peace.
We out.
You winky.
I believe your next musical selection is featured in your new film about the notorious hell-raiser and fifties music legend, Jimmy Ray John Handels.
Tell us about that.
Well, uh, Manthea, the movie is called Slappy Pappy, after one of Jimmy Ray John Handels' biggest hits.
And it's a biopic about his life.
A biopic, incidentally, is a movie that suffers from biopia.
Which is a narrowing of truth and meaning in order to win prizes.
You see me pretending to relive moments from his tempestuous private area that have been invented.
And then you see me singing some of Jimmy Ray John Handel's biggest hits, including Burnt Broccoli, which I think we're going to hear at the end of this clip.
Jimmy Ray comes back home to find his wife, Emmy Lou Mary Baskett, played by the wonderful famous woman Claire, is in the kitchen and has prepared his dinner incorrectly.
Jimmy Ray?
Is that you?
I'm the Slappy Pappy Man.
Jimmy Ray, I just heard your song on the radio.
So wonderful.
Look, I'm cooking your favorite dinner to celebrate.
Broccoli.
Knobbly green goodness.
My favorite.
Thank you, Angel Pavement.
Wait a second.
What's the matter, honey?
Goddammit, woman, you burnt my broccoli again!
Don't you realize that my song, Slap If Happy, is at number one in the hit parade?
There are literally thousands of people out there who love and respect me, and yet I can't come home and expect my own wife to cook my broccoli properly?
I'm going back to the studio to write a song about this, and then after that, I'm gonna go out and get beguiled by crazy drugs and maybe do some woman-atin'.
You better believe this is the beginning of a long period of decline for me, for which I fully blame you fully.
Burned broccoli.
My baby failed to cook my broccoli properly.
Just look at the woman, her head's all brown.
Burned broccoli.
It's not so hard to cook it right.
You should do this sloppily.
It only needs a couple of minutes of steam, woman.
If she can cook my broccoli right, there's gonna be a fight with burned broccoli.
You better believe it, because I'm the sloppy, sloppy man.
Oh!
And that is where my week ended.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for reliving it with me.
And thanks as well to my fellow dramatizers, Amelia Bulmore.
And Matt Berry.
Thanks as well to our producer, Ed Morrish.
And of course, my dad, Nigel Buxton.
who I think has one final wisdom nugget in his sage box for us.
I think it was the writer Elizabeth Bibesco who said, it's never any good dwelling on goodbyes.
It's not the being together it prolongs, it's the parting.
Thank you very much.
Good night.